All I want for Christmas
by stilljustme
Summary: "The name of his son brought Danny down to his knees. Why Sean? Why his little boy? Where was he?"
1. Introduction

_I know it's not December yet, but I HAD to write something, so… this story is meant to be an advent calendar, with hopefully daily updates from Dec 1__st__ till Christmas.  
The first chapter of the sequel to "You will be mine" should be out up here soon._

* * *

„He is _what_?"

The world jumped to a halt. Danny struggled to stay on his feet as gravity and shock sucked the air from his lungs. _No._  
"We shouldn't worry too early, maybe he's… he's…" Linda's voice cracked.  
The silence that followed her voice made Danny's stomach turn to jelly. So it was not only his NYPD-sense and the paranoia it had brought upon him. A mother's sense was thinking and fearing the same.  
For his son.

"Danny?" Without her husband at once confirming her, Linda couldn't keep her voice straight. "Danny, tell me he's okay!"

His grip around the cell tightened. "Baby, I want to you to take Jack to my dad's right now. I need the two of you to be safe. Please. I'll send you an officer and –"  
"I will not leave this house without both my children!"

Danny closed his eyes. "Please. I…"  
"What will he think when he comes home and we're not here? Send Jamie over if he's got time to take Jack to your father but I'll stay here. I'll stay till Sean comes home!"

The name of his son brought Danny down to his knees. _Why Sean? Why his little boy?  
Why couldn't he be in his child's place, wherever that might be right now? Where was he?_

"Okay" he felt tears creeping up his throat and prayed for Linda not to notice it. "Okay, I'll call Jamie. I love you. Bye."

He switched off, shivering so hard that he almost dropped the cell.

_Five hours_, he told himself, _it's only five hours. He was at school, the teachers would've called if he wasn't. _

Five hours was four hours more than the average kidnapper needed to…  
_No_.

With a lump in his throat Danny speed-dialed his brother.

"Hey, Danny, what's up?"

"Hey, Jamie… we… I got… I need your help, Jamie."


	2. Dec 1st

„I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need… oh my god, sorry."  
Eddie bit her lips as she realized she had been singing along with the radio, her face flushed.  
Jamie grinned. "Don't worry about me. You've got a beautiful voice."  
"Thanks…" the red on the rookie's cheeks deepened. "Long practice under the shower." She closed her eyes for a second, wondering if it was possible to get this conversation even more embarrassing.

It was hard to keep a professional distance with Jamie Reagan. He was a colleague, her senior, and she knew damn well what rules said about fraternization. She had no intentions to give this man a more important role in her life than he already had – the problem was only that as her partner Jamie already _was_ one of the most important people in her life.

"Look, over there!"  
Eddie's eyes flew open and quickly followed Jamie's nod. "Seems a bit drunk."  
"A great bit. Let's get him out."  
"You want to arrest him? Just cause he's…"  
"The other end of the park opens to a public school. Once he gets seen there he'll be arrested for worse than that." Jamie looked at her. "We won't arrest him, we'll just bring him home."  
"Alright." Eddie nodded. It would be easier not to care for Jamie if he wouldn't care so much for others. Then again, this was why she always had wanted to be a cop. To help people.

As Jamie halted the car, his cell rang. Hurriedly he checked the display, one foot already out on the street. "Danny…" Sighing he picked up. "Hey, Danny, I'm just… what?"

The sudden shock in her partner's voice made Eddie look at him. Jamie's face had gone white, his eyes were staring right through the guy they had just wanted to talk to.

"How long…"  
"About five hours. He didn't come home from school." Danny took a deep breath. It was good to hear his little brother's voice – a small confirmation that the world had not yet broken to pieces. It could be okay. It would be okay, there had to be a reason.  
On the other hand, talking to Jamie meant that it was real. His son was missing. And though the world seemed halfway intact his heart already was cracking.

"What about Jack?" Jamie fought his fear back as well as he could. Whatever was going to happen he had to be calm for Danny.  
"He's home, he… he always visits a friend during lunch break on Wednesday cause he's got afternoon classes. When he came home he called Linda cause Sean wasn't there…" Danny couldn't help his voice fainting at the end. "Jamie tell me he's okay, please", he begged, using the same words Linda had just urged him with.  
"He will be okay, Danny. It's all going to be okay." Jamie had his eyes closed now, his free hand grasping the steering wheel. "Did you call Dad already?"  
"Not yet. I'm trying to stay calm here."  
Jamie smiled a little. "Not really working, uh?"  
"Sean's gone, Jamie!"

"I know! I know. Meet me at the precinct… yeah. We'll find him, okay, we're gonna find him."  
Jamie kept his eyes closed for a moment.  
"Change of plans" he murmured, "We've gotta get back." 


	3. Dec 2nd

_Thank you so much for all the reviews! I'm really overwhelmed here!_

Eddie bit her lips as they were cutting the next curve. Everyone else she would have yelled at by now, but this was so un-Jamiesh that she just prayed to stay alive till they would reach the precinct. Automatically her brain tried to put the puzzle together – talking to Danny, and something about their father and… Jack. After the mentioning of his nephew, Jamie had relaxed for a moment. It didn't need even need a rookie cop's wits to understand that his other nephew must be in trouble somehow. Jamie's godson if she remembered it right.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked eventually.  
Jamie's head snapped over and back again. "Do about what?"  
"Oh come on!" The young woman frowned. "We're partners for four months now, do you still think you can't trust me?"  
She regretted her words as soon as she had spoken them, seeing Jamie shrinking under the new weight put onto his shoulders.  
"I'm sorry, Jamie, it's just…"  
"No you're right." His voice was flat, and the nearer they came to the precinct the paler he got. His breathing, though obviously forced calm, sounded unhealthy. "And I do trust you. But this is not about trust… or you. I'm sorry."  
"Okay. I understand." Eddie nodded hastily. "I just want you to know that if you need my help, whatever it is – I'm here."

Jamie swallowed. "Thanks, partner." He halted the car at the corner, just not in sight of the precinct, and closed his eyes for a moment. "Do I look normal?"  
Despite the tension the car had filled with, Eddie had to cough to stop laughing. "Not exactly. Not enough to convince your brother you're okay."

She wondered if she had said too much as Jamie froze in his seat. When he opened his eyes again, they were filled with so much cold anger that she automatically jerked away.  
"Don't get into this. I'm warning you. One word out to anybody and I…" Whatever threats Jamie might have thrown at her were stopped by the sound of knuckles on glass. Danny had found them, his face contorted by impatience and …was it fear?

"Go home, Eddie. I'll clear you out for today." Jamie's voice was flat again as he handed her the keys and got out of the car. As soon as he saw his brother emerging, Danny turned around and left, expecting his brother to follow up.

"Any news?"  
Danny shook his head. "Jack's with Grandpa. I asked Erin to come around with Nicki to distract him but…" He shuddered.  
"So we better find him soon. How about Linda?"  
Danny sighed. "She refused to leave the house in case Sean comes back."  
Jamie nodded. He had had the same thought, someone should stay at home. It was not that bad yet, was it? Okay, five hours were a lot for an eight-year-old, but what if he was with a friend and they had got lost in a game?

"What are you thinking?"  
Jamie bit his lips. "I was just trying to go through all possibilities. I mean, there's got to be a way this all is solved without any… crime involved, isn't it?"  
For a moment Danny lost his mask of countenance. Jamie was shocked to see his big brother so close to tears. "I pray for it. I want my kid back home." He took a deep breath and tried to keep a light tone. "I guess it's just family experience, you know. Three generations of cops, all we know, and… come on, fortune hasn't really been on our side, right?"

Jamie closed his eyes, unable to answer for a moment as memories of Joe and Vinny appeared in his mind.


	4. Dec 3rd

Sean opened his eyes and saw nothing. Absolutely nothing. He tried to close an open his eyes again, but the world stayed black. Starting to shiver, the boy brought his hands to his eyes. Had they been cut out? Jack had once told him a story about an evil scarecrow that ripped out people's eyes. But it wasn't Halloween, and mummy had said that the story was not true anyway.  
No, his eyes were still there. Sean's breathing got calmer as he felt his eyelids closing under his fingers. It must be the room around him that was dark.

Only now he realized that he was not sure where he was. He should be home, shouldn't he?

Sean closed his eyes tightly – he always did so when he was trying to remember something really difficult. And right now it was very difficult to remember what had happened so far. He had gone to school with Jack, and it had rained in the break. He had given half his sandwich to Michelle Adams because her mother was sick and couldn't always make lunch for her.

At the thought of the sandwich, Sean's stomach started to grumble. How long was he in here? And where was "in there"?

"Hello?" Sean coughed at the word. His throat was very dry, and he was very thirsty. This and the nagging emptiness in his stomach turned his thoughts away from what had happened. More important was, what was going to happen now? Did mummy and daddy already know that he was… somewhere else? Were they already searching for him? They better were, Sean realized as panic rushed over him. They better were here and getting him out very, very soon. He was thirsty, he was hungry, and he had to pee. He wanted to go home now!

"Hello? I'm in here!" Maybe someone he was in school, and someone had locked him in without noticing. Next to the gym there was a small room for mats and baseballs and stuff. He had been in here today. Maybe… slowly Sean started crawling towards what he believed to be the ball lockers. He couldn't cry now, he was too big for that. Jack always called him a crybaby, but he wasn't.

Suddenly a door opened, sending a thin ray of light inside. Sean jumped up. "I'm in here!"  
Two figures stepped in sight, casting long shadows. "I hoped so" one of them said coldly.

Sean stumbled back. "Will you bring me home? Please?"  
The figure laughed. It stepped closer and now Sean saw it was a very tall woman. She was looking just as evil as she sounded, and Sean quickly looked around to see if he could hide. But this wasn't the gym stuff room. This was… somewhere else.  
The strangeness of the place made him turn to the cold woman again, and then to the Person behind it. It was a man, and he was still leaning at the door. "Please can you bring me home? I didn't do anything. Please."


	5. Dec 4th

„Come on, come on! It was green, you idiot!" Danny slammed his fists on the wheel. Jamie closed his eyes. The anger in his brother's voice could hardly convey his fear anymore. They were driving for hours now, around the school, through the park, surrounding blocks, down to Brooklyn Bridge, the way home, and back again. More than once.  
"Danny" Jamie swallowed as he heard the weakness of his own voice. He had had no problems with being hard and strong and hiding his thoughts when he was investigating the Blue Templars in his first year. But now it was not his career or life he was worried about. It was Sean. It was his little godson, Danny's son – and they still hadn't found him.

Danny nodded slowly, understanding the sentence before it had been said. "Maybe we should go home. Just for a moment, I need to… I need to talk to Linda. And not over the phone."  
"Of course. Do you want me to drive?"  
Danny forced out what he believed to be a chuckling noise. "Are you afraid you won't get home alive?"  
"No, that's not… forget it." Jamie retorted the smile, thankful for the distraction even if it was just for one moment. "Should I call dad now?"  
Danny sighed. "No."  
"Danny… he's not only a grandfather, he's the police comm…"  
"I know who our father is, Jamie!" Danny yelled as he hit the acceleration. Driving home for Christmas… he knew Sean hadn't come home. Linda had not called him, not once, and he understood why. His wife was the strongest person he knew – and one of the proudest. She hated breaking down, especially on the phone. Which meant she expected to break down if she talked to him now.

"Alright… do you want me to stay here?"  
"No. No, it's cold, get in, I…" Danny already had lost track of what he was saying as he opened the door.  
Jamie followed him hesitantly. Danny was looking worse with every second now, and there was nothing he could do to help him. He felt useless, helpless… like almost four years ago. Jamie tried to push the thought away as soon as it unfolded in his mind, but it was too strong a memory to ever get erased.  
Joe's death.

When their brother had died, each of the children had grieved in their own way. Sometimes they could help each other, sometimes they managed to talk and laugh and cry together… but many times Jamie had found his sadness to be too different from his sibling's. They all had special memories, special feelings towards Joe. And so they had been alone many hours, united and separated by the same event.

Jamie remembered the feeling of helplessness. Wishing to hold onto his siblings and never let them go, but being too afraid to lift his arms. They had been petrified, all of them.

And now… no, it was not the same. Jamie took a deep breath and walked on. This was not the same because Sean was not dead. He was maybe not even gone.

"Hello? Sean? Hey, darling, are you here?" Linda's voice rang through the house as Danny stepped into the hallway. "Sean? God, I…" She stopped abruptly. The hope and relief on her face vanished as bitter disappointment filled it.

"Danny? I… why didn't you call, I thought it was him?" Her sorrow turned into anger.  
"What are you doing here? You should be out there, I'm not waiting for you!"


	6. Dec 5th

"_What are you doing there? You should be out there, I'm not waiting for you!" _

Danny opened his mouth but before he could say something Linda's anger turned back into sorrow – and desperation. Danny came just right to catch his wife into his arms as she collapsed crying. "Danny, where is he?"  
"I'll find him. I promise, baby, I'll find him!" Danny buried his face in Linda's hair and prayed for his words to be strong and true enough. "Everything will be okay."  
"I'm sorry for yelling at you" she whispered, "I just…"  
"Shh… it's okay. It's okay."  
"I love you."  
"I love you, too, Linda."

Jamie backed away. Seeing Danny and Linda like that made him feel like an intruder. Despite all the fear and pain they were sharing right now… they were going to make it through. Linda always had been Danny's rock, from his first time in the army on. Sometimes she was the rock of the whole family.  
So far, however, Jamie had not realized that in his way, Danny, too, was a rock for Linda. The one she could lean on when the world stopped circling in mid-turn.

Unfitting as the thought surely was… he couldn't help but wonder if he would ever be a rock, too. Someone who could carry a family through the storm. His own family. Jamie closed his eyes in shame as he realized that despite the situation he envied his brother.  
He had been alone since Sydney left more than two years ago. Two years of loneliness. Of course, right now he was busy enough to forget about his non-existing family life, but… the darker the days got, the bigger and emptier his apartment felt. He was tired of being alone.  
December was the month with the highest rate of suicide in single persons, Eddie had stated once, because at the feast of family they realized what they were missing.

Jamie opened his eyes again. Eddie sure had a talent of getting straight to the point. He really should apologize to her for today. Maybe he should call her right now… that would also be the perfect excuse for leaving Danny and Linda for a moment.  
But just as he turned around, Danny waved him closer.

Jamie frowned. "What?" he mouthed, before he reluctantly came closer. Linda opened up the embrace and turned to hug her brother-in-law now. "Thank you for helping, Jamie", she whispered, her body still shivering from uncried tears.  
"Of course. Of course, Linda." He looked over to Danny. If possible, the detective looked even worse now. Jamie held the desperate glance, suddenly understanding that he had to be a rock now for his big brother. And he would.  
"Maybe we should go to dad now", he suggested, gently, "he should know. And I think Jack needs to see you two."


	7. Dec 6th

Hopeful faces greeted the three Reagans as they entered the house. Danny bowed his head. He didn't want to see the hope fall to pieces again. He wasn't sure if he could bear it.  
"Mummy? Dad? Have you found him?"

Danny sank down on his knees, hugging his son as he ran towards him. His throat was so choked up with tears that he couldn't answer. Linda knelt beside the two of them, differently to her husband obviously taking strength from the look of her son. "Not yet" she whispered, "but we will find him. I know we will." She looked up at her in-laws almost challenging.  
Jamie nodded at her, and Erin managed a smile. In her eyes though Jamie saw doubt. It was a family's curse – they all knew too much. Erin was not a police officer but she was familiar enough with crime. The chances that this was going to end well… but the odds didn't matter. They would fight them, and they would find Sean somehow. They were Reagans, after all.

"So" Both men looked up to their father, coming in with a glass of scotch. "I just informed the forces. Amber alert is out, I got extra men searching for suspicious vehicles, dog units… anything else I should do? Anything else you want to share?"

Danny swallowed. "How… what… Erin…"  
The state attorney held her hands up. "You didn't say it was a secret, Danny, why the hell should it be?"  
"Dad? You didn't tell the police that Sean is gone?" Jack wound out of the embrace and stared at his father. "Why? How should we find him if…" He looked to his mother for help. Linda stroked his head, not daring to look at her husband. She didn't want to hurt Danny, but she didn't understand it either.

"Your son asked a good question, Danny." Frank's voice was calmer now, and Linda knew he had the same mixed feelings she had.

Danny swallowed. "It's eight hours, dad. You can't get an amber…"  
"Yes, you can" Erin interrupted, "in case you suppose the child's missing because of a committed crime."  
"Guys" Linda warned, pulling Jack closer.  
Danny looked at his sister but couldn't speak. Yeah, what was he doing? Why hadn't he gone to his colleagues at once?

"Because we weren't sure what it was that kept Sean away" Jamie offered. "And amber alert is… it's a hard thing. I mean… it's official now. I guess Danny just didn't want to… I…"  
"Thanks, kid" Danny smiled weakly, "but just cause it's the truth doesn't make it better." He stood up and looked at his father. "I didn't want you to know because I didn't want it to be true. You did the same thing to us when Jamie went missing, remember? Anyway… thank you. I better go back to work." He quickly looked around, begging to be excused. Begging to wake up from this nightmare.

"Wait!" Erin followed her brother to the hall. "Tell me what I can do. I'm sorry, I…"  
"No, it's okay, you were right." Danny quickly hugged his sister. "Thank you for everything."  
"Tell me what I can do."  
He swallowed. "Take care of Linda and Jack."  
"Sure. And don't worry. If there's anyone who can find Sean it's you."

As Danny started the engine the passenger door opened and Jamie slipped in. "I'm coming with you."  
"You don't have to."  
"Just drive."

* * *

_Thanks to all loyal readers! I'm so glad you still like my story. I knew I said I'd update every day but to be honest I'm not sure if I can update tomorrow. I'll do what I can._


	8. Dec 8th

Jamie stifled a yawn as they reached Danny's precinct. "So what's the plan?"  
Danny forced a grin. "Never been at an amber mission before, uh?" The grin faded quicker than it had appeared. "There's a lot of cops outside looking for him, and Sean knows he's got to trust the police so if he sees them he… he'll go to them. We're gonna look through his day, what he did, whom he talked to. See if there's any other missing children out there…"  
"Detective's work" Jamie summarized, "alright, just tell me what to do."

"Actually, Jamie, you can't do nothing right here" a strong voice from behind said. Before Jamie could turn around, Danny shoved past him. "Come on, Demarcus, this is my son missing and…"  
"Hey, it's not my idea!" The other detective held up his hands and nodded towards Jamie, who respectfully nodded back. "Don't get on me with that. You remember how the Gailman-case turned out? I just really don't want your son end like that. We gotta follow the rules in every damn little point."  
Jamie frowned. "What's the Gailman-case?" Demarcus shrugged, shook his head. _Not your business, street cop. _  
Jamie bit back his answer. This was not the right time to argue with Danny's colleagues. "Danny?" he asked demonstratively.

Danny's face was blank, his eyes wide open. "Jamie, go home."  
"I… no! Danny, what the hell…"  
"I said GO!" The whole room looked up at them, but Danny didn't seem to feel the eyes piercing him. "If you want to help me, go home." Something in his voice made his colleague's eyes turn back down.

Jamie swallowed. "You do realize I'm not eight years anymore? I'm a cop, just like you. I know what we're talking about here, I know Sean, I can help you, you know I can! Stop treating me like a child just cause you're one short right now!" He regretted his words as soon as he had said them. Danny's face turned even paler. So much for being a rock for his big brother. Jamie realized that again all glances were cast at him.

"I'm sorry, Danny" he whispered, "I just… you can't do this on your own."  
"He won't be" Demarcus quickly stepped in. Jamie bowed his head deeper. "But…"

"No but, Jamie." Danny's voice was ice cold. "Once you manage to get a family of your own and your kid gets lost you can tell me what to do. Till then you shut up and get out of my sight."

"Now, that's the Reagan's Christmas spirit I've missed!"  
Danny and Demarcus turned around. Jamie needed a second to recognize the voice.

"Jackie?"  
"Hey, Reagan." The woman didn't smile as she came closer, nor did she touch her former partner in any way. "I just read the alert." Her glance wandered from Demarcus to Jamie, both men staring at her in awe. "Don't get used to the sight, I'm just here to say good-bye for good. I'm going to Italy. There's a lot of people I should meet… or so I heard…" She bit her lips uneasily. "What?"

Danny, who had closely observed the woman that had been one of his closest friends not so long ago, nodded. "There's more over there for you than what we can give you here."  
Jackie frowned, then laughed humorlessly. "Life in a nutshell" she murmured, "there's always more to it, just… somewhere else. Well, anyway – I'm gonna miss you, Danny. I really am."  
"Oh, don't get nostalgic now" Demarcus bellowed, trying to move into the conversation, "we've got to do a Christmas miracle."  
"Miracle? Is it that the new term for doing the job?" Jackie bristled. "The only miracle is that you're still in the rank of a detective, Demarcus. Anyway" she turned back to Danny, "my plane goes in four days. And for good old time's sake… you need a little help? For this very last case? I still got any rights to enter and work in this building, drop it!" she added towards Demarcus. The detective shook his head and walked away.

"So?" Jackie looked at Danny challengingly. "What's the plan?"

* * *

_This chapter turned out different to what I expected... so Danny and Jamie WILL work together, but not right now (obviously^^)._


	9. Dec 9th

He was not in school, of that at least Sean was sure. That and, from the dark sky he could see from the window above, it was far too late for him, he should be home by now, mummy and dad would be worrying where he was.  
The man had led him to what he called "toilet" – a hole in the dusty ground, not so far away from where he was sitting now. Then he had put a glass of orange juice onto a table, some biscuits next to it, and had left Sean alone there, not without cuffing his ankles to the table leg. Sean had tried to pull away but it had only cost him most of the juice. Now he was a little less thirsty, but still very hungry, and he didn't dare touch the biscuits because they were so dry.

"Hey, you little bastard! What's wrong with those?" Sean jerked as the woman appeared out of nowhere. Angrily she nodded towards the biscuits. "You don't decide to die in here, I say when you die!" She shoved the dry pieces towards the little boy as she walked over to the window. It was made out of very thick glass, nobody had heard Sean scream though he had tried his best. And it was so high! Even the woman had to tiptoe to reach the ledge with both hands. Sleekly she pulled herself up. "Lot of cars out there" she commented, "your daddy seems to haunt the whole city on us."

Sean closed his eyes tightly. He wanted to go home so badly that even the mentioning of his dad almost made him cry. He wanted to be with him, and with Jack and mum. He didn't want them to worry, and he didn't want his mother to cry. He had seen her crying twice, once after he had woken up from his bike accident and then once when dad had been involved in a heavy shooting and they believed him to be hit badly. In the end it had been the gangster's blood on his coat, though, and all had ended well.

"Poor baby."  
He gasped as the woman's voice appeared right at his ear. "I can only imagine how it must be for you. Alone in the darkness."  
"I'm not afraid of the darkness, it's natural" Sean quipped defiantly, "and my dad will find me so either you bring me home by yourself or you're in big trouble."  
He was too angry in the moment to be afraid. You don't frighten people like this, coming up at them when they had their eyes closed! He hated it when Jack was doing this, and his brother loved shock him like that.  
The woman laughed. She had a very thin face and blonde hair, and her eyes were black. "What a gentleman to worry about my problems, honey. Isn't he a real gentleman?"  
"Darling." Sean turned to the new voice. He hadn't heard the door opening, but there was the man and he looked tired. "I've finished with those two from last week. Let's go up. One after the other." He nodded towards Sean, "you okay, lad?"  
"He won't eat" the woman said before Sean could answer, "I'm not gonna let him starve, just so you know. Not him."  
"Of course not." The man stepped in. He was older than the woman, much older. He actually looked a bit like grandpa Henry, just way more evil. Sean bit his lips. The old man had kidnapped him as well, for he was kidnapped, he knew it, but he was nice sometimes. He had given him something to eat after all. And he didn't sound so bad and spiteful as the woman did.  
"I don't want to eat this" he said softly, directed to the man. He just hoped the woman wouldn't slap him. He hadn't ever been hit in his life.  
She only snorted.  
"And why is that?"  
"They're so dry and I have no juice left. My brother says you die first of deha… hidro…"  
"Dehydration, you're talking about dehydration" she snapped and reached out, but didn't touch Sean. She just took the cup and left the room.

The man nodded slowly. "Clever boys, both of you."  
"Please" Sean plucked up all his courage, "can I just call my mum? I know her number, I just… I just want her to know I'm okay. Please?"

The old man chuckled. "No. Let's get her worried, shall we?" 


	10. Dec 10th

It was quiet outside, at least compared to the turmoil behind him. Jamie took a deep breath and closed his eyes. They were burning, and not only because of the smoke that had illegally been circulating in the precinct.  
He leant against a wall and buried his face in his hands, trying to stay calm. He couldn't get weak now, not in public and especially not so close to Danny.

Though actually, why did he still bother? No matter what he did, he would never be good enough for Danny. In good days it sometimes seemed like Danny finally trusted him –but once things got tough he had no confidence in his little brother.  
Then again, he scolded himself, this was not about him trying to impress his big brother. That was the sad story of his whole life but he couldn't let it get in the way now.

"Hey, Harvard! Can I give you a ride?"  
Jamie opened his eyes to a police car in front of him. Renzulli sat in the passenger's seat, the window was down. "I know you I ain't your boss anymore, but I think that building over there is not yours." He pointed towards the precinct.

Jamie nodded. "You still hit it, Sarge."  
"Course I do." Sighing, Renzulli stepped out of the car. "I'm really sorry for your nephew. I got no kids but… honestly, I feel sorry for your brother."  
Jamie tried to smile. "I'm gonna tell him but he won't believe me."

Renzulli frowned. "You're playing sunny boy right now? What's up?"  
Jamie quickly shook his head. "Sorry. I'm just… I'm trying to be strong and… you know, think positive and stuff. Not that Danny would notice anyway."  
"Well, now I myself don't believe I'm saying this" the Sarge observed his former charge closely, "but this is his own kid missing. I guess I wouldn't care for other people's feelings either then. You're not a detective! If you wanna help, go and do your job. And I mean like" he nodded back to the waiting car, "you could do it now. See I'm up since four in the morning… been taking out those crack junkies at Miller's. And I live three blocks from here, so…" He didn't finish the sentence but only smirked.

To his surprise Jamie found himself repaying the smile. "Thank you, Sarge. May I relieve you?"  
"All yours. And don't take it out on her either, right? It's Christmas." He patted the young man on the back and disappeared.

Jamie's glance followed him. Hit the point again. It was Christmas. The time of the year where he missed his mother and Joe most. And crazy as it was, he somehow missed Sydney, too.  
And now Danny was pushing him away, too, replacing him with the all-of-a-sudden-back-in-the-world Jackie.

"Hey, Jamie? Do you plan on getting in tonight or what?"  
Jamie stopped, stunned. "Eddie?"


	11. Dec 11th

_Sorry! I didn't get this chapter right yesterday, I'm still not too happy with it, but hey – half time's over. Thirteen days till Christmas!_

Jackie watched Jamie as he left the precinct. "You'll never stop fighting, will you?"  
Danny sighed. "Jackie."  
"Alright, Reagan. Let's get back to work." The former detective's eyes moved to him, a little colder and somehow more distant than he remembered them.  
"Amber's out, street cops are everywhere. Who's talking to Sean's teachers?"  
"No one so far."  
"Then what are we waiting for?" Jackie stood up and pulled her former partner out. It was obvious that she didn't feel well inside the building anymore.

The car's doors were hardly closed when Danny opened his mouth. "Just…"  
Jackie shook her head. "Spare me, Reagan. I know your questions and I have no answers for you. I don't know why I'm here. I just know that if I left you now, I'd be the same kind of scary stupid crackjunkie I used to chase down once. And no, I don't know where all of this is heading to either." She sighed. "I know I wasn't fair to you, I know I should have talked more and take more time to think about everything… yeah, I admit. I did everything I used to chastise you for. I'm sorry."  
She stopped at the car, waiting for Danny to unlock the door. "Do you trust me, Danny?"

Danny smiled as he heard Jackie using his first name. It was the sixth time since he knew her. Gently patting her back, he opened the door for her. "I'm glad you're here, Jackie."  
Thirteen minutes later they stopped at St. Mary's primary school. A few windows were still alight – it was only half past seven, Danny realized. The day wasn't that old yet, it was just evening… for him, it felt like years. Every minute dropping away was one minute more that his little boy was alone with criminals, probably, hurt, probably…  
"Don't." Jackie reached over and touched his hands clasping the wheel as if to crush it. "Nothing's proven till we see it. We'll find him."  
Danny nodded obediently.  
"Good" Jackie tried to smile reassuringly but Danny saw the fear and tiredness behind it. That was the bad thing about working with the same person for too long. You learned to read his mind. You stopped getting fooled by him, and sometimes – he had seen it often enough with relatives of victims – sometimes there was nothing good to find in the truth.

He followed Jackie into the school and found her arguing with the secretary. "I know about the policy for preserving data, I understand you feel like you can't give it to us, but we need the address!"  
The small woman shook her head. "I'm really sorry, but Ms. Dingle hasn't done anything wrong and…"  
"Oh trust me, we will find something!" Jackie snapped, "I promise you we'll find enough in this school to get a warrant to search everyone of you."  
"Are you threatening me, young lady?"

Danny sighed. "Miss Everett?" He stepped closer so the woman could recognize him.  
"Mr. Reagan? What's wrong?"  
He took another step forward while Jackie backed away. Bad cop, good cop. Yes, she had missed it.

"Miss Everett, I'm really sorry. But my son hasn't come home from school now. I believe Ms. Dingle is the last one who talked to him, and I… please. I just want to talk to her."  
"Oh my god!" Miss Everett gasped. "Which of them?"  
He took a deep breath. "Sean."  
His son. His son was missing. How could it be that the words still hurt that much? How could it be that the realization still made it hard to breathe, as if he heard it for the first time?

The little woman nodded. "Of course. I'll give you the address. Just… one minute. I'll be back."


	12. Dec 12th

"So… where are we going?" Jamie asked quietly, not daring to look into his rookie's eyes.  
"Don't know. The Sarge said there's enough of us randomly looking around, so we should stay ready in case any of the detectives finds out something and needs assistance. So, practically…"  
"Practically we're just Danny's PAs" Jamie finished the sentence angrily, "great."

Eddie rolled her eyes. She knew how much his family meant to him, but that still didn't give him the right to unroll all his anger and frustration on her. At least Renzulli had warned her not to let him get to her that way. And after more than ten hours on duty she wasn't too keen to be kicked at.  
But on the other hand, she was his partner. And right now he probably couldn't lean on his family, so whom else should he turn to?  
"Alright, boss, you got a better plan?"

Jamie sighed. He had a better plan – sleeping. The last time he had been as tired as that had been… no, that was the wrong thought once again.  
He closed his eyes. Maybe waiting and being ready wasn't the worst plan. Maybe this way he could help Danny, even if it meant that he again would only get to sit in a car or clear a street. Maybe…

…his head hit the window.  
"Sorry, Jamie" Eddie murmured without looking at him, fully concentrated on getting through the traffic. "You're okay?"  
"Yeah, I'm… why did you let me fall asleep?" He stared out of the window, trying to locate him. "How long have I slept? Did Danny call? Does…"  
"You slept for about five minutes, and yes, there was a buzz right now, from your cell as far as I know. That was what startled me. And the damn truck… sorry."  
Jamie shook his head, only listening with half an ear as he called back. "You shouldn't get distracted that easily, E… hey, Danny, what do you got?"

"Hey, kid, we're on our way to 27 Grafton street. Sean's teacher lives over there. Jackie and I are on our way to her, but there's another address the secretary gave us, of her grandmother. I don't think she's there but could you check it out? It's Fifth Ave 24c, some weird little apartment complex."  
"Fifth 24?" Jamie looked over to Eddie. She nodded.  
"We're on it."  
"Thank you, kid. Sorry for… I promise I'll explain it to you one day, but right now…"  
"It's okay, Danny. I'll call you once we're there."  
"Yeah, wait – Jamie? You already apologized to your rookie?"  
"Ap… what?"  
"Come on, kid. You said you'd been too harsh on her. No reason to forget your education here, you're still a Reagan. Besides, it's Christmas."

Jamie nodded slowly, his throat tightening up. Danny's voice had sounded as tired as he felt, but there was more to it… desperation… resignation. The detective inside of Danny had too much experience with kidnapping. How long could the father-part hold up against him?

"So whom are looking for?" Eddie's voice was gentle.  
Jamie took a deep breath to collect his thoughts. "The grandmother of Sean's teacher Ms. Dingle. She's supposed to take care of the old woman sometimes, Danny doesn't believe she'll be here but he wants us to check up on her."  
"Alright." Eddie sighed, then forced herself to add, "sorry for not waking you up at once, Jamie. I just thought you would need to sleep, but… I shouldn't think for you and… I'm sorry."  
"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked to you that way" Jamie said contritely, "and I mean not only for now." He looked at her closely, waiting for the next red traffic light till she could return the look.  
"I am sorry, Eddie. I acted things out on your back and I threatened you and I… cut a long story short I guess I pretty much screwed up as a TO. Just…" He bit his lips. It was all so unreal. On the one hand he was here, only days away from Christmas, with Eddie, one of the cleverest and toughest people he'd ever known, and all he wanted was make her understand that he hadn't meant what he had said earlier.  
On the other hand he was here, only days away from Christmas, and his family lacked their youngest member. His godson was God knew where, and though Jamie prayed every once in an hour to find him soon, he was not sure they would. He was too used to losing people by now, too used to this fear and uncertainty… the feeling that the world was dangling on the edge, and everything – everything – could end just like that, and nothing else mattered than bring Sean back home. It was the only thing that could set the world right again.

"It's okay." Eddie looked away as the light flashed to green. "Really, you don't have to apologize. I figured I didn't have to end my shift just because you did finish yours, so there's no harm done to my record." She grinned mischievously but quickly became earnest again. "You don't have to be overly soft with me. I've survived the academy, I'm used to be… it's okay. That's what partners are for."  
"But…"  
"I just want you to know" she said, louder now, "that I did mean what I was saying. You can trust me, Jamie, you have to trust me. Okay?" She searched his eyes through the rear mirror.

Jamie nodded. "I do, Eddie. I just…" he shook his head, realizing why he had understood Danny's motives for not calling an amber so well, "I just didn't want it to be true. I mean, Sean's just eight. I can't… the thought of him alone and hurt, it's just… I wished to be in his place. I want him to be safe, Eddie, I'd do anything to bring him home now."

The young cop nodded. "I know." She should say that they were going to find him, but she couldn't. Not with enough conviction to persuade her TO.

Jamie's cell buzzed again. "Danny? We're almost there."  
"Good. We just checked the home address, she's not there. Wait for us, we're coming to you."  
"Okay."


	13. Dec 13th

Jack sat in his father's old room, arms wrapped around his knees, staring into nothing. After having given up the faith that Sean would come home on his own, dad had wanted them to stay at grandpa's. Temporarily, he had said, but Jack knew what it was all about: If they didn't find Sean – soon – if he never came back – then they would stay here forever. Because neither mum or dad would be able to live in their old house anymore, with Sean's room and the cupboard in the kitchen he had painted, with every memory…

Jack buried his face between his knees. It was all his fault! No matter what his parents might say, he was Sean's big brother. He should have waited for him, or he should at least have told him how to fight. And now he was alone, and mum was crying, and dad didn't come home to sleep sometimes, and everyone was stressed and worried any busy and it would be Christmas soon!  
Jack felt tears blocking his throat. He knew he had no right to think about Christmas right now, about gingerbread and presents and the tree… he had no right to still be looking forward to Christmas.

But he was. He wanted it to be Christmas, and he wanted everything to be okay, he wanted them back together and happy… what if they didn't find Sean? What if he would be alone for the rest of his life? Would mum start hating him one day, for not having been there for his brother?

"Jack? God, never do this again. I was looking for you downstairs!" Linda sighed relieved as she opened the door and found her son on her husband's bed. "Hey, honey, are you crying? What's wrong?" What a stupid question.

Linda sat down next to Jack and took him into her arms.  
What was wrong? Every beat of her heart told it, pumped it through her body. Fear. Fear for her child's life, fear for both her children's lives actually, fear for her husband's life… fear everywhere. Linda knew that feeling, the paranoia that suddenly got the better of you till you just wanted to hide under the blankets and never come up again… she had felt it after Joe had died. For months her heart had stopped whenever she saw her husband leaving the house in the morning because she was sure he'd get shot. Then Jamie had announced his wish to be a cop – her sweet little brother, so broken in his grief, wanted to get out onto the cold streets, too. It had cost her all energy to stay calm and not chain the two men to the table on family dinner.

"Mum?" Jack's low voice brought Linda back. She took a deep breath and pulled him closer. Her son. Her son who needed her, right here, right now.  
"Yes, Jack?"  
"What if…" Jack broke off. He couldn't ask it, he couldn't, he was too afraid both for Sean's and his own sake.

Linda stiffened. Though unspoken she felt the question flooding the room, choking her. If she opened her mouth to answer now, she would drown.

"I'm so sorry, mum!" Jack cried even more now. "I should've taken care of him, I should've been there and… I don't know…"  
"Jack, you did nothing wrong!" Linda held him away at arm's length so she could look at him, "Jack Francis Reagan, I want you to stop even thinking about thinking this at once! You understand me?"  
Her voice was firm again. "You did nothing wrong. You're a wonderful big brother, and Sean's learned so much from you. Really." She couldn't hold back the tears but she smiled them away. "Jack, I am so proud of you. I couldn't think of a better brother, or a better son. The two of you, you're the best of both your dad and me, and I love you. We love you, more than anything else and this will never change, okay? You know that?"

Jack nodded, feeling very small. Small and light as a feather for a moment. He cuddled up to his mother again, allowing her to rock him.  
"When will he come back?"  
Linda kissed her son's hair. "I pray it will be very soon."


	14. Dec 14th

_And again… Saturdays aren't good for writing… sorry. Next chap will be up in a few hours!_

"What do you think?" Eddie looked up the bleak façade of the building.  
It was one of the oldest buildings in the neighborhood, and if it wasn't for the few lights shining through dirty windows Jamie wouldn't have assumed anybody to live here – left alone a teacher of a highly esteemed catholic primary school. Then again, you can't judge people by their money. He had learnt that very quickly when being introduced to Sydney's family. The Reagans had, as long as Jamie could remember, never been poor – but neither they were overly rich. They had no cook and no two nannys and they certainly never had so many forks on a table for one meal. What the Reagans did have, though, was conversation and laughter, and gratitude towards God and each other for being together.

Jamie frowned. It all seemed not only four years but a lifetime ago.

"Reagan?" Eddie looked at him questioningly.  
"Wha- sorry, what did you say?"  
The young cop's glance was soft. "You're only half here, aren't you?"  
"Meaning what?" Jamie sighed. "Yes, rookie, well noticed. I'm not full concentrated. Worst example of a cop you can get. So?"  
"I didn't mean that." Eddie quickly shook her head. "I just wanted to say…" She bit her lips as she saw another car pulling in next to them. "I understand that, I mean… he's your nephew. I only meant… he can be okay. I know you're afraid that he might be long dead and that you're only blocking out the truth" she gasped as Jamie's head snapped over to here but then spoke on, "but there's no need to believe that. As long as we don't see him dead, he is alive."

"Copy that!" Jackie grinned as the detectives came closer. "That's what I'm trying to explain! Good thought, Ms… Janko."  
"Thanks, …" seeking for help, Eddie looked at Jamie but he was focused on his brother.

"…detective." Jackie smiled understandingly. "Curatola. Jackie's fine as well. Is she inside?"

"Well…" Jamie still couldn't look away from Danny. The sleepless nights were wearing him down visibly now, and as he tried to remember when he had seen Danny eating for the last time he couldn't.  
"We haven't seen anybody going in, but in the apartment of Ms. Dingle's grandmother is light."  
"Good." Just now Danny looked up. His glance met Jamie's sorrowful, and he hurried to smile reassuringly but from the hurt puppy-eyed look his little brother threw at him it wasn't convincing at all.  
"The bus driver and the cook from the restaurant over the street have already been questioned" he explained, "nobody has seen anything. Ms. Dingle is our last chance to get information. At least as far as I know. Let's go."

Jackie nodded and pulled Eddie with her towards the door. Danny and Jamie followed five steps later.  
"You don't have to justify yourself" Jamie whispered.  
"Huh?"  
"I mean for looking bad." He stopped and waited for Danny's eyes to find his again. "Danny, you should go home. You should be with Linda and Jack." He held his hand up as Danny opened his mouth to protest, "I know I can't be doing your job, that's okay. But Jackie can. Jackie and Demarcus and Cleevy and all the others. They're doing the best they can."  
"I know."  
"Then go home! Your family needs you."  
"Oh really, do they?" Danny's eyes glimmered angrily. "You think what my wife needs right now is her husband, coming home to relax without having achieved anything? You think she needs the man who can't find her son? I tell you what my family needs. They need Sean. They need their child and their brother back, you know how much it hurts to… to not have a brother with you." He couldn't say "lose" now, he couldn't.  
"Danny, you're doing everything you can!" Jamie grabbed his big brother's arms as if to steady him. "Come on, Danny, you can't be feeling guilty for this! You can't control everything!"  
"He's my son" Danny said calmly, "he's my son and I don't know where he is. I don't even know if he's alive. I can't go home now, Jamie, I can't… it would look as if I'm giving up." Exhaustion and sorrow took their toll. Tears started to roll down Danny's eyes. He was too weary to wipe them away. "Jamie, I can't."

Jamie swallowed heavily. Seeing his big brother cry broke something inside him. Danny was his hero. Through all their fights and tensions and problems that would never stop – he was his hero. The man who always found a way, the incorporation of strength and stubbornness and truth.

Lost for words Jamie made a step forward and hugged his brother. After a moment of astonishment he felt Danny's arms wrap around him as well, holding him tightly as the tears continued to fall.

"I'm here, Danny" Jamie murmured, not sure if his brother could hear him, "and we all know you'd do everything to find him and bring him home, we know. We love you, alright? And Linda needs you now, and Jack too. We can't lose you too."


	15. Dec 15th

„Oh come on!" Jackie sighed. „The elevator's broken! Where do we have to go?"  
Eddie smirked. "Thirteenth floor."  
"Great." Shaking her head in frustration Jackie climbed up the stairs, followed and soon passed by Eddie. As they entered the sixth floor the heard the men's voices from below.  
Jackie stopped. "Let's take a break. No need to wait up there for ten minutes."  
Eddie knew better than to say something. Still smirking she leant over the handrail and watched her TO and his brother running up, giving Jackie some moments to recollect her breath.

Damn it, she really was out of it. If she would try now she probably wouldn't make it to the academy. Then again, Jackie reminded herself, why should she even try? This was not her life anymore.

A door opened in the fifth floor. Eddie bowed deeper and watched a tall woman leaving one of the apartments. The door she closed behind her looked as worn and broken as the woman herself.  
"Hey, don't fall over!" Jackie walked to the rookie. "Oh my god." She forced a smile onto her face as the woman beneath looked up. "Mrs. Gailman?"  
The woman straightened up. "Detective." She didn't even look at Eddie but her eyes never left Jackie as she started climbing down the stairs.  
"Icing on the cake" Jackie whispered through clenched teeth, "just break him down completely."  
"What do you mean?"  
The older woman didn't answer. "Danny, move it" she shouted down, just in time as Mrs. Gailman reached the two men. Jamie politely made way but Danny froze. For a moment he didn't even seem to breathe. Only his eyes were moving, following the woman as she passed him without a word or glance.

Jamie looked up to Jackie. "What's wrong?"  
"Mrs. Gailman" Danny hoarsely answered, his eyes still following the woman downstairs. "She's the reason I couldn't have you working with me. Following protocol in every way, you know." He looked at Jamie as if he saw him for the first time. "You better go."

"Oh give me a break, Danny! Do we really have to go through this every ten minutes?" Jamie fumed. So much for getting through to his brother. Some things just never changed. If only Joe would be here… he always managed to bring them back together.

"Well, I hate to get into this, Jamie, I really do" Jackie called down, "but maybe your brother's right. Sorry, guys" she shot a quick glance backwards. "I hope you understand."  
Eddie frowned. "You didn't explain anything so far. And if you do – which I really would appreciate, by the way – maybe you let them come up first. It would make things easier." Eddie bit her lips as the words echoed down. She hated being patronized, and the fact that Jamie Reagan was not a patronizing type was one of the reasons she'd walk through the fire for him.  
And now she had just been patronizing a higher-ranked officer.

Danny chuckled weakly. "That girl's good."  
Jamie blushed. "Yes, she is." Then his voice filled with anger again, "don't try redirecting this, what is wrong? I told you, if there's anyone who should go home, it's you!"  
Danny opened his answer but instead turned around and walked up to the women. Still fuming, Jamie followed him.  
They didn't stop when they reached Jackie and Eddie but kept walking till they had reached the thirteenth floor. At the door to Mrs. Winter, born Ms. Dingle, the detectives stopped. Jamie and Eddie looked at them expectantly.

"I don't wanna fight again, Jamie" Danny started, "and this has nothing to do with you. I told you so, I told you from the beginning that this…"  
"Alright, so sad and true story of family Gailman" Jackie interrupted loudly, "is they had a kid, a girl of nine years of age. Don't ask me about her name"  
"Sophia", Danny murmured.  
"… okay, don't ask me, ask my all-knowing, all-guilty partner." Jackie's voice was heavy with sarcasm. She hit the bell and spoke quicker now. "Fact is Sophia got kidnapped, and we were looking for her. Amber and stuff, it would all have gone well. There soon was a suspect. And the detectives interrogated him right in his house. They wanted to find the girl quickly, she had asthma. They somehow all have asthma." Jackie stopped, alarmed by her own cynicism. From the corners of her eyes she saw Danny looking at her worriedly. Well, there was a reason she had left.  
"The suspect agreed to talk to the cops at home before they took him to the precinct, and they thought they'd have him soon. Then that son of a bitch asked for his lawyer, and the lawyer brought him out of the whole investigation by claiming the police had bee been terrorizing his client and that they hadn't interrogated him improperly."  
Eddie frowned. "Had they?"  
Danny sighed. "That depends. The questions were asked by Demarcus and Marino, but there was one street cop in the room with them. He didn't say anything, nobody knows why he was there in the first place."  
"Some say he was there just to ruin the case" Jackie quipped, "but why ever – the presence of that cop made the suspect walk away as a free man. There was nothing to be done against it, freedom for everyone, right?"

"That's bureaucracy in its cruelest ways." As the door opened Danny quickly leant against it. "Just one moment, please, Mrs. Winter. NYPD. Is your granddaughter around?"  
He turned to Jamie again. "Cut short, he was the kidnapper. We looked for ways to get to him, to arrest him once again, and we did. Four weeks later, four weeks after Sophia Gailmas was killed! That woman lost her child to me." His voice broke. "And I can't help thinking about how Linda would look if…" He stopped. "I can't have anybody here who's not a detective and ordered to this place. I can't."

"But you can have Jackie?"  
"Actually, no." Jackie frowned. "Reagan, I don't like the idea of leaving you alone here."  
"Neither do I"; Jamie urged, "come on, Danny, let Jackie stay with you at least."

But Danny wouldn't have it, and Jackie knew her partner well enough not to press charges any longer. "We'll be waiting downstairs. Call if you need something."

_So much for Danny and Jamie working together… I hope you like it nevertheless. I know it's a bit dragging out now but next chapter should bring more action again. There's still a lot to do till Christmas…_


	16. Dec 16th

This was stupid. Danny reached for his gun as the door opened. Police 101 you don't talk to suspects or walk into an unknown area on your own. Never.  
But what choice did he have? Danny's knees still felt weak as he showed his mark and followed the old lady in. He had dreamt of the Gailmans for weeks after the case, of the little girl, strangled to death. Of her parents, helpless and broken. Damned bureaucracy. It was the first time Erin had been on his side completely, cursing the lawyer just as he did – but it hadn't changed anything, of course. Sophia Gailman was dead, and her mother was only a shadow of herself. Danny would do whatever necessary to make sure his family wouldn't share this fate.

"So Mr. … detective Reagan?" Ms. Dingle stood up from the old sofa she had been sitting on, knitting. Danny's stomach cramped with disappointment. In his years as detective he had learnt to read the signs of human behavior, even if his sister didn't believe it. The first seconds were crucial, the first words spoken when confronted to the police.  
Ms. Dingle either was innocent or an undeveloped Oscar-winner.  
"I'm sorry to disturb you, Ms. Dingle" he said as calmly as he could, "please, sit down. Do you know why I'm here?"  
The teacher nodded slowly, worry on her face. "Sean's missing." She shook her head. "And you're coming here because… god, am I the last person having seen him?"  
"I believe you are." Danny tried to smile encouragingly as the woman before him seemed to panic. "But I didn't see anything! I didn't notice anything strange or odd, and I… well, I didn't look for it, I…"  
"It's okay, Ms., it's okay." Danny sat down next to the teacher, his back to the grandmother. Another thing you learnt not to do on day one. Ms. Dingle might have nothing to with it, but the old lady…

"This is stupid." Jamie shook his head in anger. "Danny could be dead right now while we're sitting here trying to be docile!"  
Jackie raised an eyebrow. "You're early with mistrusting everyone, Jamie. That doesn't suit handsome street cops."  
"What?" Jamie didn't even look at her. His eyes were glued to the ceiling as if he could see through it up to where his brother was now, all alone.  
"Cynicism" Jackie said earnestly, "once you start you can't ever shake it off again. And trust me it will not make anything easier. You think it will, you think it helps you keep your distance but it doesn't. It only makes you break faster." Something in her voice made Jamie look at her – reluctantly. Jackie answered the glance challengingly, and Jamie understood. This was her story.  
"Still" Eddie intervened, "it's against everything we learn to go there alone."  
"If you want to tell me that Danny shouldn't have taken me with him in the first place, you're right" Jackie murmured tiredly, "I just wanted to help."  
"And thank you for it" Jamie said firmly, smiling towards the elder woman. "I think Danny took you with him because he knows and trusts you, and because you're a great cop."  
Jackie couldn't help but smile. "You are the family's charmer." Then she shook her head. "I don't like him up there alone either."  
"Alright. Then I'll go up and knock at the door." Eddie stood up from the stairs and started walking up as Jamie put his hand on her arm. "Don't. This can…"  
"I'm a rookie, Jamie. I go up and ask for something, any advice, anything a rookie can ask from a higher officer. They can't use that against us."  
"I didn't mean that."

Eddie swallowed. Sean Reagan was in danger, and Danny Reagan probably was, too. She should concentrate on going up there – not on the warmth of Jamie's skin on hers, and the deep sorrow in his voice and eyes as he tried to hold her back. And she certainly shouldn't feel so happy. "I can handle this" she said softly and then quickly freed herself and ran up.  
Jamie shook his head in sorrow as the young woman disappeared upwards. It went quiet for minutes.  
"I shouldn't let her go, should I? I'm responsible for her. And Danny's my brother." He looked at Jackie. "What do you think?"  
She shrugged. "I think you should ask her out."

"Jackie?" Danny's voice rang through the staircase.  
Jackie and Jamie sighed in united relief. "On my, Reagan. And you stay here and watch out."  
"For whatever" Jamie murmured but obeyed as he heard Jackie calling up for Eddie to come down.

"Has she anything to do with it?"  
Danny shook his head. "I don't think so. In any case she's not gonna make problems. But the old lady… I'm not sure, maybe you could…" He pointed backwards.  
Jackie nodded. "Of course."

A cry from downstairs held her back.  
"Detectives?" Eddie ran up again, a cell phone in her hand. "That's Jamie's. But he… he's gone."


	17. Dec 17th

_Thank you, all my loyal reviewers! I'm sorry I didn't thank you personally for the last chapters, I really really am grateful for every review. _

"He's what?" Erin's voice shrilled through the phone, so loud that Eddie jerked. Jackie gently put an arm around the rookie's shoulder, but lifted it again as the younger woman stiffened.

Eddie tried to breathe normally. Her mind travelled back to the moment she had come down the stairs and found nothing – nothing – but there had to be something! She had to have seen something, anything,… they had looked into every apartment on the floor, broken into some of them in the heat of the moment, and still… he was gone. Vanished, melted into the air, whatever. Maybe he was already dead.  
Eddie felt her hands shaking as panic washed over her. This was it – the moment that her teachers had warned her of at the academy. The moment when you realized that with all your knowledge and training, with your gun, with all the force behind you… sometimes you were as helpless as any other citizen.  
The situation had changed, she realized. It didn't matter anymore if her feelings for her TO were appropriate or not. She had lost him.

"Erin…" Danny begged hoarsely. He needed his sister to be calm now, she was always – well, not calm but at least rational, and that was how he needed her, he needed her to be the intellectual rock in the NYPD-blue ocean.

"Okay" Erin's grip around the phone tightened as she closed her eyes. "Just tell me what you need."  
"Thank you, sis" Danny murmured. "But I don't know what to do. CSI's on their way, but… it's impossible. He can't just be gone like that, not… just not like that. Not Jamie." He swallowed. "Erin, I can't have Jamie missing too. I…"  
"I know." Erin's eyes flew open again. _Don't say it. Don't even make me think about losing another brother._

"Mom?" Nicki was watching her mother closely. Since Sean had disappeared almost everything made her suspicious. And frightened. She was scared by SUVs driving next to her on her way to school. She was scared of the phone ringing because it might be uncle Danny or grandpa telling her that Sean was dead. And she was scared of her aunt Linda, not only because of the broken face she wore but because she felt like she should take care of Jack now, and… she couldn't. What was she supposed to tell her cousin? That everything would end well?  
How could she do that? It was too long by now. Jack might still be too much of a child to realize it – or he just didn't want to accept it – but she knew. She was old enough, almost an adult. She knew the world, she knew it was cruel.

Erin forced a smile on her lips. "Danny" she mouthed, hoping it would explain her mood. "Alright. Yeah, yes I'll talk to dad." She swallowed. "You know I'm good at that" she added quietly, avoiding her daughter's eyes.  
Danny sighed. "I didn't mean it that way, Erin. I just… thank you. I love you, you know that?"

Erin gasped, causing Nicki to look at her once more.  
The last time Danny had told her he loved her was… at Joe's funeral.


	18. Dec 18th

_This chapter is dedicated to _**equestrian18 **_- happy birthday! I hope you like it! _

_I know it's still seven days to Christmas, but with all family visiting and present-wrapping and stuff I won't be able to update on each of these days. So after this chapter there'll (hopefully) be one for 19__th__, 20__th__, 22__nd__ and the finale on Dec 23__rd__._

* * *

It hurt. Again. More.  
His eyes were closed but he squinted them even tighter to not let in the smallest spark of light.  
It still hurt.  
Jamie took a deep breath and immediately winced. It was not the light that caused the stinging, world-blackening pain in his head, chest, back and what little he could feel of his legs.  
It was mere _breathing_.  
Groaning with pain Jamie tried to get his legs closer to his body. The ground beneath him was cold and… cold. Panic broke into his shattered brain as Jamie realized he had no idea where he was.

"Uncle Jamie?"  
He turned his head towards the voice and full-forcedly hit the wall with his forehead. The pain in his head exploded, causing him to groan louder, his hands clenching and unclenching to fists.  
He wouldn't be able to avoid breathing for much longer…

"Uncle Jamie? Uncle Jamie!" Sean's voice echoed through the cellar, so high-pitched and loud that uncle Jamie had to wake up and talk to him. But he didn't move.

Very slowly and carefully Sean stretched out his hand and touched Jamie's forearm. It was not cold yet, but Jamie still didn't move. His hair and face were smeared with blood and Sean's own scared breathing was so loud that he couldn't hear if his uncle was alive at all.

Sean closed his eyes to lock up his tears. He didn't know how long he had been here alone, but surely it was time for breakfast soon? Or dinner, or anything… so far, at least the man had shown no intention to hurt him. He was nice, in fact. He wouldn't let him talk to his mummy and dad, but he had promised to phone them and tell them that Sean was okay and would come home soon.  
He didn't know when "soon" would finally be, but at least mummy wouldn't cry because of him. Sure he wouldn't want uncle Jamie to be hurt either?  
Carefully Sean crawled past his uncle and towards the door. "Hello? Can you hear me?"  
He cleared his throat. "My uncle Jamie's hurt. I just…" Sean started shaking as the adrenaline of raising his voice died away.

Uncle Jamie was lying behind him and was very seriously hurt. How could he think of anything good coming up out of this? These people were bad. He was alone, almost, or even worse.

"What's up, honey?" A voice ripped his thoughts. Sean automatically stumbled backwards as the woman opened the door – only a gap so she could put her head into the dark and cold room.  
"I thought you wanted a playmate" she teased, her voice even colder than the cellar. "Now you got one. Play."  
"But…" Sean bit his lips. His knees were wobbly and he couldn't breathe through his nose from all the tears. He was so scared that it hurt. Why couldn't he be a hero like his dad? Or like… uncle Jamie?

Sean took a deep breath. He had to be strong and save his godfather now. "He's hurt. Can you please help him? Please! He won't be much of… of… good… if he's dead." He swallowed at the last word and made another step back only to shy away forwards as he felt something soft under his shoe.

The woman laughed evilly. "You're right in that point, little fellow. You're really right." She finally opened the door and came in, towering high over the boy. "Maybe two of you are just too much."

"Then let him go."

"Uncle Jamie!" For a moment, everything was forgotten. Sean turned around and dropped into his uncle's arms crying.  
Jamie gasped. The pain was so strong he almost fainted again but he forced himself to stay awake.  
He had found Sean. He was alive, and fairly well and healthy so far.  
Despite the ever-growing pain in his chest Jamie felt washed over with relief.  
"It's going to be okay, Sean" he whispered hoarsely as he wrapped his arms around the little boy. God, that woman must've broken his ribs.  
But he couldn't let go of his nephew right now, or she would take him away. Shivering, Jamie managed to sit up with Sean still clinging to him for dear life.  
"It's okay, I'm here" he said again, trying to sound more convincing. "I'm here, I'm not gonna let anybody hurt you, alright? It's okay."

"Aw… now isn't that sweet?" The woman was still standing above them. Jamie pulled Sean closer.  
"Let him go. You got me, you can do with me whatever you want. Just let him go home."

"Of course." The woman started laughing again, so loudly and heartily that even Sean looked up.  
She was shaking with roars of laughter but Jamie was sure he saw tears glimmer in her eyes. He had to find a point of reasoning with this woman, something he could work with. "Please. I don't know what you want, but I know there is a reason for what you're doing. A reason for not…" he didn't end the sentence but looked at his godson.

"Kill the boy while we could?"she completed the sentence, still laughing sadistically.  
"What?" Sean looked up at her in utter terror. "No, please no! I…"  
"Hey, hey!" Gently but firmly Jamie took Sean's face and forced him to look away from the woman. "That won't happen, okay? I promised. I promised to you and I promised to your dad. He's looking for you, half New York's looking for you. They'll find us." At the last words Jamie looked at the woman challengingly and then very gently pulled Sean off his lap.

"And you're sure about that?" The woman didn't even look at Jamie. "You haven't been so successful lately, haven't you? I brought you here. And maybe that was a mistake. You know, two of your Reagans… that's a bit much to bear alive."

So it really was about his family. Jamie pressed his hands against the floor and hauled himself up, sweating with the effort. He felt dizzy as he stepped between the woman and Sean. Whatever happened he would not let her hurt him. He would not fail his godson, or Danny.

"Just let him go" he started again, but she only shook her head.  
"Don't you ever get tired of that, Reagan? Oh no, you don't. Congratulations. So I guess you really do love your nephew. You think you're ready to get hurt for him? To die for him?" Without a warning she rammed her fist against into his ribs.  
Jamie doubled over with pain. He couldn't breathe. From far away he heard Sean's voice again, and then the world went hot and black.

He woke up in the darkness again. "Sean?" His voice seemed even weaker than before. Jamie couldn't hold back tears of pain as he fought the nausea and dizziness creeping up. As he tried to sit up he realized he was alone.  
Sean was gone.  
"No." He had lost him. Again. He had promised to take care of Sean, and now…

"It hurts, doesn't it?"  
For the first time Jamie was relieved to hear the woman's voice. He was clever enough to not move into the direction of it, though.  
"Where is Sean?"  
"Up. With my husband. And yes, still alive and unharmed, if you need to know."  
Jamie fell back in relief. He just had to believe her now.  
"What… what are you going to…"  
"What I want?" She laughed again. Jamie wasn't sure he would ever get the noise out of his head. "I want to… train myself." He felt her moving nearer, a small hand reaching for his head and almost gently stroking his hair.  
"I want to see how far I can get with your brother."  
"Leave him alone!"  
"Oh, but I will!" she hissed, "I'll leave him totally alone. I took his son. Now I've got you. What do you think, after he can't find the little fellow alive, how long is his wife going to stay with him?"

Jamie didn't answer. The perfume! He knew that smell. It was still too dark to see much but he was sure he knew this woman. He knew her smell – it was not only the perfume, it was also… alcohol.

"You still think you're strong enough to endure hell?" She stroked his ribs. "Are you ready for so much pain?"  
"What did Danny do to you?" The smell was so strong it made breathing harder again, and his ribs wouldn't stop hurting.  
"He failed." For the first time the woman's voice was totally serious. "He promised to do everything but he didn't. He messed up. And now I want him to feel the same he made me feel. And believe me, you don't know pain yet. You have no idea of what I'm going through. And neither does your brother. So I'm gonna show him. And you'll help me - you and that cute little bunch of child up there – a child just like mine was. Vivid. Beautiful. So trusting to the world." At the last words Jamie felt drops falling onto his skin.  
"I'll make him pay. I swear I'll make him pay. I'll show him how it is to be ready to do anything. Sacrifice everything, to be ready to die if you just could have her back…"

"I'm sorry" Jamie whispered, "nobody should…" He gasped at the next punch.  
"Don't be sorry for me. Be sorry for yourself."


	19. Dec 19th

"Come on, Reagan, or do you want me to ring?" Jackie stood at the door, impatiently waiting for her partner to come up.  
Danny's feet were heavy as he left the car. He couldn't bring himself to look up to the house. His old home, the first place he had ever felt totally safe in. The place where he and Erin and his brothers had grown up. Joe. Jamie.  
He was the oldest, he was responsible for them. It was his job to take care of the younger ones and teach them how to live – and how to do the job, especially since they all had the same one. When Jamie joined the ranks after Joe's death, Danny had felt both terrible fear for the kid's life and gratitude. He had sworn to make it better this time, sworn to make Jamie ready for everything that could come up against him.  
And yes, he had known that this oath was a lie, that he would never be able to prepare his little brother for everything out there. But he had meant it that he would never fail Jamie like he had failed Joe.  
He could not lose another brother. He could not make Erin lose another brother, or his father losing another… son.

Sean's face reappeared in Danny's mind, next to Jamie's. Two pairs of children's eyes, looking up to him in fear, begging him to help them.

"Danny!" Finally hitting the bell, Jackie turned and went down to Danny, firmly grasping his arm. "You will go in there and kiss your wife, tell your son that you love him and then you'll go and sleep. I mean it, Reagan. You let go for a moment or you break. Your family knows you, they know you're a hero, they don't need you to play one. Just be a man for once."  
Danny chuckled hoarsely. "You wanna tell me about being a man?"

"I want to." Frank was standing in the door. He seemed ten years older than the day before and as he looked at Jackie he couldn't bring even a hint of a smile up to his face. "Thank you, Jackie."  
Jackie nodded, unable to answer. There it was. Another reason why she had to get away from this city, from this country… from this family. It was impossible not to be committed to the Reagans once you started working with one of them. Jamie's rookie proved it, and his old TO as well. They were all attached to a family that was constantly destroying itself.  
She had to get away from it.

And yet Jackie knew she couldn't. Not before Sean and Jamie weren't back.  
"Of course, sir. If there's anything I can do…" She didn't finish the sentence. "Alright. Just call me."

"Danny?" Frank's voice sounded weak, too small for the heavy big body. Danny started to shiver as he finally looked up. "Dad, I'm… I'm so sorry."  
"And I'm so happy you're home." Without a further word, Frank pulled his son into the house and didn't let go of him till he stood in the living room, coat and shoes still on.  
It was light inside, every corner decorated in green and red. Christmas was near. The shivering increased as Danny took in all the festival mood – Jamie's favorite feast. His sons' favorite feast. How was he supposed to get through that day alone?

"Dad?" Jack came down the stairs, happiness and worry mixed on his face. "Dad, you're here."  
_Yes, I'm here. I'M here without your brother, and without your uncle, and I have no idea where I can find them. And I'm so tired that I can't even think anymore where I should look for them next. _

Danny opened his mouth but didn't say anything, and Jack didn't wait for words. He threw himself into his father's arms, sobbing and laughing at the same time.

Danny's heart flooded over. It was too much, all the sorrow and guilt and the pain he saw on everyone's faces. He missed Sean so much. He wanted to hold him and decorate the tree with him and help him with maths… he missed him. And he had missed Jack, too. He had been afraid that his older son would hate him for the disappointment, and this fear had driven him away from what he needed most right now: his family.

As she saw her husband breaking down with her son in his arms, Linda forgot that she had wanted to be strong. She just knelt down next to the men and wrapped her arms around them, joining her tears to theirs.

Frank sighed in relief as he saw that at least one of his sons had come home. Even if just for a little while. "It will be okay" he said, his voice shaking, "they both are Reagans, and if Jamie has been abducted by the same person who kidnapped Sean, the chances are high that their kidnappers… want to… have a reason for what they're doing."  
"And we'll find out that reason and bring them home" Henry declared as he approached the party, his voice much steadier. Erin followed with Nicki nuzzled closely against her. She had tears in her eyes but nodded at her great-grandfather's words. With a proud smile, Henry reached out for both the women and his son, building a second pile of hugs and tears.  
Nobody looked into any other's eyes, too afraid to see the own doubts mirrored in them. They all wished it to be true, it was all they prayed for.  
But Christmas was coming and Sean and Jamie were jailed in somewhere they couldn't find them.


	20. Dec 20th

„Over there, left. See him?"

Eddie jerked, her eyes flying open. "The olive car? Yeah, got him. Shall we call him off?"

Renzulli frowned, a mocking smile on his face. "I don't know, Ms. Janko. Did he do anything worth pulling him aside for?" He didn't wait for an answer. "I know you're used to a younger and some say more handsome partner than me, but that's not an excuse for falling asleep on patrol. Understood?"  
Eddie nodded hurriedly.  
"Great. And to your question, yes, we want that car out of traffic. It's driving way too fast and it's dangling a bit too much. See that?"  
"I… yes. Yes, I see it." Eddie bit her tongue, hoping the hurt would help her focus on the here and now.

Jamie was still missing. One moment he had been there, she had seen the sorrow on his face, had felt his hand on her arm – and her skin still prickled when she thought about it – and in the next moment he had been gone. Vanished.  
They had searched everywhere of course, and Eddie had found herself interviewed by three different people, one of them a retired FBI-agent who was somehow in debt of a detective Demarcus… she had lost track of what was exactly happening in the end. When she was freed to bring the car she and Jamie had been driving back to the precinct, Eddie's head was spinning with questions. That was the way people were feeling after getting interviewed by the police? No wonder there were so many uncooperative witnesses.

She had been totally exhausted when she finally had reached her apartment. Exhausted and scared, scared in such a deep part of herself that she almost couldn't make it up the stairs. More than once she reached for her weapon, against better knowledge each time and against her beliefs. Her TO had been abducted, just like that. A cop, trained as she was, wearing the same uniform, the same reputation… and it had helped him nothing. Crime had hit him just as everyone else.  
Of course, she had known it before. Cops were also just human after all, of course they could be victims as easily as other citizens. They had no superpower of their own – what strength they had came from justice and respect, and from the community they formed. A big, rough, caring family they were – and just like any other family, they could lose their children.

Even now, sitting in the car driving, with the feeling of her gun at her waist and Sgt. Renzulli next to her Eddie couldn't totally shake her fear away. It had happened so soon, so without warning.  
If she went missing like that – it would be detected very early, that yes, and she would be looked for, but… who would talk to her family in that time? Who would tell them that she wasn't to be found, that she maybe was dead…

"Come on! Yeah, you! Thanks." Renzulli shook his head. After all these years he still hadn't get rid of the habit to talk to drivers even if they couldn't hear him yet. "Ready, Janko?"  
Sighing the woman nodded. Without a word they got out and moved forwards to the olive car. The window was already down and the driver was searching for his papers as the officers approached.  
"I was too fast, wasn't I? Sorry. I just wanna make it home quickly."  
"Who doesn't?" Renzulli said, taking the driver's licence, "but if you keep on driving like that chances are high that some people won't make it home ever again, including you."  
"Yes." The man nodded eagerly. "I know. Sorry. So what do I got to pay?"  
"Officer Janko?"

Eddie bowed deeper towards the window. "Is this the first time you've got caught for driving too fast, Mr…"  
"Gailman. And yes. I never… sorry, as I said."

Gailman. Eddie's eyes widened. Could he be the man to the woman they'd seen before all hell had broken loose? If so, for this man and his wife, hell already was here.  
As the man took out his wallet she saw a small photograph of a blonde girl stuck in it. Sophia Gailman. Something in her throat tightened painfully. They had buried their daughter because of the police's failure.

If Renzulli saw the picture too, he didn't show it. "Thanks, and now behave. We all want to be driving home for Christmas safely, right?"  
Mr. Gailman nodded again. "Sure. Thank you, officers."

The sergeant looked after the car doubtfully. "Saw that girl in the wallet, Janko?"  
She bit her lips and nodded, filled with collective guilt. "Yes, searge. I know about the case. We saw Mrs. Gailman just a few minutes before…" Then she frowned. A new thought occurred to her, one that proved her she had watched too many crime shows as a teenager, but still…  
"With all that happened to that family, do you think they would take revenge?"

Renzulli shook his head, then nodded. "It was fifth av 24 something, wasn't it?"  
"24 c." Eddie swallowed. "But the house is almost empty, and we searched every single room…"

"That wasn't the address Mr. Gailman gave us." Renzulli's voice was still calm but as she looked into his eyes Eddie saw a spark of fire burning. _Twenty-plus years out on the field and he still has more energy than I do sometimes,_ Jamie had told her about his TO_. I don't know if he's the best cop in the city, but beside my dad and my brother Joe, he's the best image of the kind of cop I always wanted to be.  
_Eddie nodded more to herself, understanding what Jamie had meant now. He sure had an eye to find the good in people, and to encourage them to believe in it.  
She took a deep breath. "So they could have separated after the loss of their child, or… another place to hide someone? I mean, how should they…" Her eyes widened again.  
"Care to share your thoughts, Janko?" Renzulli looked at her shortly, then looked back on his cell, dialed and waited. "Hey, Steve. Look I know I'm bothering you in your break, but… can you give something about TCI 4597? Great. I might need to know where it's been the past few days… cause it's Christmas and I'll get you some new pasta sauces. Thanks. So, what do you think?" He turned to Eddie again.

The young officer's cheeks were glowing. "Mrs. Gailman knew him. She wouldn't look at Danny at all, she remembered him!"  
"Well I bet she does." Sighing Renzulli started dialing once again. "I don't have kids but I'm pretty sure if I had, and someone messed up and got it killed, I would remember that idiot's face as well."

Eddie stared at him. "You call detective Reagan a… an…"  
"Idiot, yes, sometimes he is. Go tell him if you need to. He knows what I'm thinking." Renzulli didn't look at her. "I know he loves his brother but would it really have broken him a leg if just once told him so? Just saying." He shook his head. "Damn voicemail. Hey, this is sergeant Renzulli. I don't know if it's gonna lead far, but we just had Mr. Gailman, and yes, that Mr. Gailman before us. In a hurry, and towards an address that's not too far away from the side where Ja… officer Reagan disappeared. We're going there, mind sending us some help or anything? Thanks."

Eddie was still staring at the man. "Did you just…"  
"Look, Janko, there's two possibilities for you." Renzulli seemed tired suddenly as he nodded her to get back into the car. Tired and… worried. Who wasn't?  
"You can question every single word I say, every step I do. Or you shut up and help me bring Jamie and Sean Reagan home." He sighed. "This family never comes to peace since Mary Reagan's death. Then there was Joe…" For a moment, the sergeant closed his eyes. "I taught him what I knew. What I thought he'd need out there. It wasn't enough. I know Danny Reagan always will blame himself for his brother's death, but… you know the one saying he was ready… that was me. And when the commissioner told me his youngest kid would be joining the ranks after doing a total Harvard-life… I swore I wouldn't lose another of them. I'm not gonna ignore my guts again, left alone yours and mine combined. That was a good thought, Janko. Now's time to make this thought turn into action and save your TO."

Eddie climbed into the car.

Jackie hadn't slept too well either in her hotel room. She had given up her apartment three days before. Now all her stuff was lying around on a very expensive, very boring-looking carpet. When her cell rang she answered without checking the caller's ID.

"Hey, Reagan, did sleep finally find you?"  
"Jackie, this is Frank Reagan."  
"Oh my… yes, sorry, commissioner. What can I do for you?"  
"Danny's still asleep but sergeant Renzulli just tried to call him, and now he's…"  
"Now he's calling me" Jackie realized as a small green dot appeared on her screen. "What about?"  
"They think they know where Jamie and Sean are."


	21. Dec 22nd

„Your time's running out."  
Jamie barely heard the steps coming closer. His ears were filled with the rustle of blood, and whenever he opened his eyes, the world started whirling in black and silver. He had been crouched in a corner of the little room they had brought him in, desperately trying to act normal whenever Sean would wake up. He had no feeling of time anymore, and he couldn't concentrate on thinking about it. Or anything else… Sean's face, that was the anchor of his reality right now. Watch the boy. Protect him. Pray he'll stay asleep till Danny comes and saves you both…

The slap made his head crash against the wall, and Jamie forgot how to breathe. The dizziness was gone for a second, burnt away in pain and panic as the walls seemed to collapse on him.  
Sean!  
Jamie's head flipped back to where he had seen his nephew for the last time. Sean was still lying on the old blanket, sleeping.  
Or was he sleeping? Was he still breathing?

The new fear, stronger than anything else, released his throat. Jamie's lungs filled with oxygen again, driving up the level of adrenaline in his blood. Vanessa Gailman cried in shock as the young man jumped up and pushed her aside, so powerfully that it was her head now that met the wall and drew blood from it.

"Sean!" Jamie fell to his knees again, anxiously shaking his godson's shoulders. "Sean, please, wake up! Come on!"  
One eye opened drowsily. "Uncle Jamie? Has daddy found us?"  
Jamie almost cried with relief. Sean was alive!  
The boy mistook his uncle's smile. "Can we go home now?"  
Jamie swallowed. He tasted blood.  
"No… not yet" he said hoarsely, his throat burning with every word. Sean was okay, but he didn't know how long he would make it. The pain in his ribs had by now ebbed down to a dull, hot and huffy feeling. Breathing hurt but not too much to keep doing it. His head was far worse.  
And the dehydration.

With weak and slightly shivering arms, Jamie pulled Sean on his lap. "Your time's running out" she'd said. His brain was working with delay but… he hugged the boy tightly. There might not be much strength in him anymore but whatever he had, he would use it for Sean.

"_Don't worry, kid." Danny smiled through the fear that held his heart with icy claws. "It's going to be alright, you hear me? And I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here."  
Jamie nodded slowly, too afraid to speak. He knew that if he did, the pain would come back, and he didn't want to cry anymore. He wanted to be a big brave boy… but it hurt so much!_

"Don't worry", Jamie murmured, following his brother's example. He had been younger then than Sean was now, and in hospital with acute appendicitis. Both his parents had been called off from work, but they needed time to get there. Seventy-eight agonizing minutes Danny had sat right beside his baby brother, holding his hand, holding his glance.

"_Danny…" he couldn't hold back the tears any longer. "Danny, can you die from this?"  
Danny shook his head. "You're already in hospital, Jamie. You're not gonna die. The doctors won't let you. And I won't let you either."  
"But it hurts so bad."  
"I know, Jamie, I know!" Danny's eyes were dark with compassion. "And I wish I could change places with you. I'd do anything." His thumb gently brushed over the little boy's face. Jamie's jaw was tense and it broke Danny's heart to see him suffer and being unable to help. "Jamie, if there's anything I can do for you, tell me. Okay? Just… tell me."_

Vanessa Gailman smiled sadly. She didn't know how long she'd been out cold, but it didn't matter. Reagan hadn't even tried to run. He hadn't taken the opportunity to save his own life but had chosen to stay and protect his nephew.  
She knew that feeling – knew how all your energy, all your love, all your determination can flow to one person, suddenly, powerful, irreversibly. Sophia. Her little girl, beautiful angel. There was nothing Vanessa wouldn't have done for her daughter.

Danny Reagan surely knew that feeling too. If for his little brother family was so important it surely also was for the detective.

"_I don't want you to."  
"Don't want me to what?" Danny frowned.  
Jamie took a shivering breath. "I don't want you to hurt instead of me."  
As Danny smiled he realized he had tears in his eyes. "That's very brave of you, Jamie. Really very brave. You're a little hero, you know that?"  
"Just like you?"_

Unable to tear her look away from Jamie and Sean, Vanessa fumbled for the loose floor tile and pulled out her husband's old revolver. He hadn't come back yet from shopping but she couldn't wait any longer. She needed to kill him now of she would go crazy.  
"You'd better run, Reagan" she whispered, grief overflowing the contempt in her voice.

Jamie closed his eyes. "Sean, your dad's gonna find you. I promise."

"_Danny?"  
"Yeah, Jamie?"  
"When I'm grown up will you still look out for me?"  
"Of course I will. I'm your big brother, I'll always be older than you. Always."_

"A pity you won't live to see it."  
Her voice was cold and as steady as her hand as she pulled the trigger.


	22. A kind of Christmas

_And once again because it so made my December: THANK YOU for reading and reviewing and I hope you'll like the ending, too. It's a bit stuffed, and maybe a bit hurried, but I wanted to have everyone in.  
Merry Christmas to all of you – or happy holidays if you don't celebrate Christmas – and may your wishes come true_.

* * *

The world was lighter than he had remembered it, and Jamie had to blink a few times to get his eyes used to the brightness around.  
"Hey, Jamie!" Two beautiful eyes appeared on his left, shining above a smile. "You're horrible, do you know that? How could you do this to us?"

Mom. Jamie felt hot all over. No. No he couldn't be dead, not now, not on Christmas, not… what had happened to Sean? What would become of his family?

"Oh you know him. He's a drama queen" a voice from the other side of the bed said.  
"Danny?" Jamie croaked. This wasn't possible. This couldn't have happened…  
"Hey, kid!" The voice came closer and a warm firm hand grabbed his, squeezing it tightly. "I think I can't ever thank you for what you've done."  
"What if you start with not breaking his hand?" The first voice suggested dryly, and only now Jamie's eyes had adjusted enough to realize that it wasn't his mother sitting on the side of his bed.  
It was Erin.

Relief brought tears into his eyes. Everything was good.  
Almost.  
"Sean… is he…"  
"Already out of the hospital and home. He had some nightmares the first two nights but he'll be okay" Danny beamed, his eyes filled with tears, too. "Jamie, you saved his life."  
"Good." He closed his eyes, feeling exhausted.  
Then suddenly his eyes flew open again. "Two days? What… what day's today? Did I…" he swallowed. "I missed Christmas, didn't I?"  
"Well, that depends." Erin looked tired, too. "Actually it's December 27th already, but… we weren't really that eager to celebrate without you."  
"So I… I ruined Christmas?"  
Danny shook his head. "No, Jamie. You saved it."

* * *

"Detective Curatola?"  
Jackie took a deep breath. The words sounded so damn familiar and still she was nervous like a rookie. "Hey, Eddie. Did you hear about Jamie waking up?"  
The young woman blushed and nodded. "I… I called him yesterday, I didn't really expect him to pick up, I just… hoped it. The last time I called it got answered by… by Henry Reagan."  
"No, really?" Jackie laughed. "Yeah, that's typical Henry." She motioned the young cop to follow her to the precinct. Time to get back to old habits – drinking far too much coffee, in this case.

"You know, things like these make me believe in miracles again" Eddie said as she thankfully took the steaming cup Jackie offered her.  
"What? Reagan waking up? Did you ask him out already?"  
She blushed again, deeper this time. "No." Then her face bloomed up in a smile. "He did. He asked me to go ice-skating once he's out of hospital."  
"Wow. That's… well, that's great." Just not for your career, Jackie added silently.

"It is. Just…" Eddie shook her head. "I… I really like Jamie. And there's… it's just that I want to be a good cop. More than anything else right now."  
"Then you shouldn't be paired up with a training officer who's out for the next four weeks" a calm voice from behind said.  
Both women turned around. "Commissioner."  
"Detective Curatola, officer Janko." Frank beamed. "I came to thank you, not only as your boss – though it fills me with pride and joy to have you under my command again – but also as a grandfather, and father." He reached for the women's hands and squeezed them. "Thank you, and may I invite you to the Reagan's late Christmas dinner tomorrow night? You too of course, Tony, and bring Mary with you" he added, his glance travelling to someone behind the women.  
They turned around again to see Renzulli coming up, a broad smile on his face. "Aye, commissioner. Thanks, we'll be there."  
Then he turned to Eddie. "Officer Janko? I told the captain about your great work and… well, looking at the situation we've got right now, with too little a force ready on duty and my excellent working with you in the past days concerning the double-abduction" he still smiled but his voice got serious now, "I requested for you to be taken to full duty with January 2014. You deserve it, and we need you. I can't promise you whom you're partnered up with but in any case he'll be your equal. Understood?"

Eddie frowned, then her face lit up. "I…" She looked over to the commissioner who nodded.  
"Thank you. Thank you so much, Sarge."  
"Well, you deserve it. Now let's move it. Till January you're still a rookie, and I'm your TO. Don't expect it to get easy."

Jackie and Frank watched the officers leave.  
"So now they're equal."  
"In three days, yes."  
"Hm." Jackie smirked. "If your son's not her TO anymore… tell me again, how about fraternization rules?"  
"Forbidden with rookie and TO, not gladly seen with equal officers" Frank answered totally calmly.  
Jackie's grin widened. "I see. Based totally on her work, I suppose."  
"I wouldn't have asked Renzulli to do it if I thought she wasn't good enough" he declared, "and even if I did – he wouldn't have done it in that case."  
Jackie nodded.  
"I'm not sure if I can come tomorrow. Depends also on when my laywer's got time for me."  
Frank nodded. "Of course. Just – Jackie? I want you to know that if you need something you can always come and ask."  
She tried to swallow down the lump that had built in her throat, but it wouldn't.  
"Thank you."

Jackie took another sip of the disgusting brown liquid, then put the cup aside. By now, her flight was over the ocean, with only two hours left till arriving in London.

"_A pity you won't live to see it."_  
She had shot Vanessa Gailman a second before she could kill Jamie.  
Jackie closed her eyes but the pictures remained. Blood and blonde hair. A crying boy in the arms of his crying father. Family. The precinct. Endless papers, Demarcus smiling at her, someone patting her back, the captain nodding at her. Family. Family everywhere.  
What had she run from? Her job? Her life? And where was the difference?  
Jackie pressed her lips together. She had had reasons to go. But lately they had been outnumbered by the reasons to stay.

* * *

"They're coming, they're coming!" Sean left his post at the window and ran into the kitchen, "mom, grandpa, they're almost here!"  
"Wonderful!" Linda lifted her little son up and hugged him tightly. He was back, he was really back, and he was laughing.  
"Let me go! I've got to tell dad and uncle Jamie!"  
"I'll come with you!" As soon as Linda had put Sean down, Jack grabbed his little brother's hand and they stormed off together.  
Linda watched her sons, smiling. "Thank you" she whispered into the air, "thank you so much for keeping them safe."  
Next to her Erin nodded earnestly. After a moment of silence, the women hugged, both too happy to talk. And it wasn't necessary to say something at all.

"Uncle Jamie?" Nicki peeked through the half open door. "Are you ready? Can I help you?"  
Jamie stood in front of his old wardrobe. There was a mirror in the doors.  
"No, thanks, I'm fine." Jamie sighed at his distorted, bruised self. "I just look horrible."  
"If you say so." Nicki smiled, then suddenly started to cry and ran into her uncle's arms. "I was so scared, uncle Jamie. I thought I'd lost both of you."  
"You never will" he promised as he held her, "no matter what we'll all somehow always be here."  
The teenager shook her head but didn't argue. Not with him. Not today.

"Finally!" Frank beamed as he lifted his glass. "Let us say grace, for all of us sitting here" he looked down the two tables. It was a bit stuffed but nobody seemed to bother.  
"For your watchful eye upon Sean and Jamie, and for the eyes you gave our officers so they could find them." He smiled at Renzulli and Eddie.  
"Thank you for our families, for all we can share – may it be sorrow, grief, joy or delicious food. Thank you for the life you grant us, and thank you for your son who came down to the earth to live as one of us. Let us follow Him in all our doings, and always be eager to do the right thing."  
"Amen."

"Doing the right thing, by the way…" Danny looked at his old partner. "Have you booked a new flight already?"  
Jackie sighed. "Not exactly. But I got this one back." She pulled out her badge and threw it to Danny. "You won't get rid of me that easily, Reagan."

Danny smiled as he gave her the badge. "That's great, Jackie." He put an arm around Jack, the other around Linda who had her free arm around Sean.  
His gaze met Jamie's, though the younger's eyes were almost hidden by the bandage around his head. He beaming, too, his right arm dropped… maybe on Eddie's knee. Nicki and Erin were both smiling back at him, just like his father was. Henry didn't laugh, caught up totally in a discussion with the Renzullis and the old Mrs. Dingle – it had turned out she had been a nurse in Korea when Henry had been stationed there.

Yes, it was great. It indeed was great.

Danny swallowed. "Merry Christmas everyone."


End file.
